


Mr. Boombastic

by Mother_of_Dragons



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Badass but probably unnecessarily violent bestie Laura, Deadpool pre scars, F/M, I alternate between calling him Weasel & Jack, I recommend listening to Mr. Boombastic, Mr. Dead to the Pool, Posted on mobile, Think... Ryan Reynolds, You're Weasel's sister, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 06:55:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7704751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_of_Dragons/pseuds/Mother_of_Dragons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You meet Wade Wilson in a bar and get semi-drunk together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mr. Boombastic

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually just a gigantic cover up for memes. Prepare yourself. 
> 
>  
> 
> Constructive criticism always welcome in the comments, I know this is crap & quickly written (typed?)

“You know what seriously perplexes me?”

You raise an eyebrow at the stranger’s choice of language, thinking briefly that your surroundings had changed to something more classy instead of a bar that - no matter how long you scrubbed - the floors always remained sickeningly sticky and offered - no, _insisted_ on - pickled eggs swimming in an unidentifiable green liquid (ectoplasm would be your first guess) as a side for almost every order. Nevertheless, you stick to your brother’s wishes and keep your eyes trained on the book open in front of you - you _were_ supposed to be studying afterall.

The stranger continues with his spiel regardless of the lack of response (and subsequently, interest) from you and moves closer. By now, you can see his face looming almost ominously from your peripheral vision. He has a nice looking jawline, brown hair and sports a slit in an eyebrow which you can't tell whether is some sort of fashion statement or the result of a permanent scar. Either way, you mentally shake your head - sure, he was hot but it was a _very much_ spoken rule in your dorm not to get involved with guys with good jawlines, they were always bad news.

“What a hot piece of ass like you is doing in a dump like this, not to mention that you're _reading._  What is that, _Eat, Pray, Love?”_ He persists, peeking slightly over your shoulder at your reading material before retreating back to the bounds of non-personal bubble invading; otherwise known as the bar stool beside you. Aah, of course: _hot piece of ass_. You had been waiting for the inevitable objectification that came with hanging around at bars like this.

“Well, _that's_ not insulting on more than one level” Weasel chips in, catching wind of your one sided ‘back and forth’ as he makes his rounds behind the bar.

“You mean to say, good sir, that you don't agree? You definitely need to get those glasses checked because her ass is poppin’!” the stranger says, gasping theatrically. “I make it my business not to notice those sorts of things about Y/N”

“ _Y/N_ is it? I’ve never seen you around these here parts but you and Weasel sure seem acquainted. What was it, a one night stand? You might want to get yourself checked darling” he says, his tone set to a fake whisper that you're sure Weasel can hear by the grimace on his face. He opens his mouth to retaliate, probably about the current state of his genitals (something you definitely _don't_ want to hear) but you beat him to it, slamming your book closed and turning to face the man next to you head on.

“Jack’s little sister actually, you must be Wade” you say, smiling courteously (You were always taught to be polite, afterall). You watch as Wade’s face lights up at your comment and he turns to face your, slightly, older brother. “Senpai spoke about me to his hot sister?” he says, making grabbing motions at him. Weasel backs up considerably, moving to the other side of the bar as quickly as he can when someone motions for him to order - you can't help but smile again as you watch his hasty retreat, reminding you of a funny meme of a guy phasing out, hand up in a peace sign.

“You don't look much like him. You’re hotter, I like that” Wade says, drawing your attention back to him. He moves to take a sip of his drink and frowns upon realising his glass is already empty. It looks like he contemplates calling over your brother briefly but instead decides to pull out a flask from his jacket pocket, pouring whatever liquid remains inside into the shot glass - you don't know what it is, but it smells strong. He tips the flask to you as if to say _‘E tu?’_ but you decline. “Your loss, best bathtub Gin in town. Just don't tell your brother I said that” he says, downing everything in one gulp.

“So, seriously. How come I’ve never seen you around? I frequent this place so much I practically live here but I’ve never seen you, let alone heard of you” he asks  ”School’s a bitch and Jack doesn’t really tell unless you ask” you say, shrugging your shoulders nonchalantly. “Woah, you’re in high school?” Wade asks, eyebrows rising significantly. You would be insulted if his expression wasn’t so comical “No, I’m definitely legal, University” you reply, hand coming up to hit him playfully - however, because of his close proximity your hand lands on his thigh. You pull it back immediately, almost as if you had been scalded, and let out what can only be described as a nervous ‘titter’, mentally reminding yourself to stop watching all those rom-coms with your hopeless romantic of a roommate.

“Legal, eh? Does that mean I won't get to see you in a hot Catholic school uniform?” he asks, face breaking out into a grin (probably at the expense of the blush on yours) as he looks you up and down unashamedly for the second time tonight. “Only in the bedroom” you reply, seriously considering getting that drink now.

“Now _that's_ an image I can jerk off to at night” he says, leaning back to watch as you duck under the bar and make yourself a drink. Studying be damned, you pour yourself a couple of shots of the strong stuff; only slightly listening as he lists off his prefered masturbation techniques.

By the time you make it back under the counter, you’re officially more than buzzed. You practically collapse onto his lap although he doesn't seem to mind much.

“Maybe you should slow down there sugar” he suggests as he helps you upright yourself on your stool. You nod your head sloppily in agreement before quickly deciding that was just too much motion and settling instead on leaning your head on his shoulder for support, what could you say? His shoulder was cleaner and softer looking than the stained counter afterall. “Yeah, m-maybe I should head home” you reply after a few seconds of silent ‘contemplation’.

You could practically hear your soft, warm bed calling to you along with the mix of strange, homemade concoctions that never failed to make you gag and the glorious junk food Laura, your roommate, would provide to help lessen the inevitable hangover you would have the next day. God bless Laura, she was smart - a genius even -, loyal, grateful. The list goes on, you appreciated that in her… _another one_.

You blink in surprise, looking around the swirling room, if you had already begun to think in terms of DJ Khaled memes, maybe you were a bit more out of it than you realised. It takes takes a few more seconds for the fact that you had just thought that unironically to sink in before you realise that Wade had been talking to you. You sit up as best you can immediately, giving as rapt a salute as you can manage in your inebriated state - he actually manages to let out a chuckle in response. “I asked how you’re planning on getting home, do you want me to get your brother, or call you a cab?” he asks, genuine concern in his voice now. “I’ve got a better idea” you slur, digging your phone out of the confines of your bag and handing it to him unlocked, purposefully choosing not to take notice of the amount of tries it took to open the damn thing.

“Scroll through my contacts and select Wifey, she hates it when I call her that” you mumble, giggling slightly as you whisper the last part. You watch as he dials her number, listening in on his side of the conversation. Surprisingly his tone stays serious and he ~~doesn't utter a single joke~~  makes only one or two jokes before he cuts the line and hands you the phone back, pouting only slightly at the sight on your superhero lockscreen.

“What? They save our asses almost daily, the least I can do is show them some support… in terms of a phone background” you say indignantly, voice rising slightly. “She said she’ll be here soon, ten minutes tops” he relays, hands raised in mock surrender to which you give a curt nod to.

You both lapse into relative silence as you wait for Laura to arrive, you squinting as you eye the bar and him drumming his fingers to the point of irritation on your part. Just as you open your mouth to ask him to stop, the doors of the bar blow open (like something out of an Old Western movie) and in saunters Laura, hand on her hip and eyebrow cocked perfectly and ready for the kill - insert the: _I’m not angry,  just disappointed_ parent look.

She zeroes in on you almost immediately, despite your terrible attempts at shrinking into yourself & hiding behind Wade, and makes her way towards the two of you, cutting a clear path through the regulars (meek & terrifying alike) and breezing past Jack. “Spindly, pal, light of my life. Odd seeing you here” you say as she comes to a halt in front of you, giving it your all in an attempt to seem at least semi-sober.  

She doesn't even crack a smile.

Face set in a straight line, she heaves your bag off the bar and swings it deftly over her shoulder, her eyebrow somehow managing to raise even higher as she waits for you to effectively cease and desist. “The ol’ silent treatment eh? I get it, tough love and all that crap. I’m coming” you reply to her unspoken command, hands raised in a ‘I surrender’ motion, much like Wade earlier, as you hop off the bar stool.

He goes to place his hand on the small of your back to help you on your feet when he sees you begin to wobble but he’s swiftly maced, punched in the gut and, to add the finishing touch, kicked in the balls by Laura in quick succession. You almost have to take a Ferris Bueller-esque moment to look into the nonexistent camera and make a face at the amount of pain Wade must be feeling.

“That… that was _badass_ ” you say, looking up at Laura as she swings her arm over your shoulder and cracks a half quarter smile. You swear you see a Stetson resting on her head and a strand of chewed wheat between her lips (the mace is even smoking slightly from such recent use) but you blink and they’re gone. “Let’s get out of this dump” she says, speaking up for the first time as she leads you out of St. Margarets.

 

*Bonus*

 

Sure enough, the next morning your hangover is all but cured and you're halfway through your second brussel sprout, apple juice and god knows what else hangover cure smoothie when your phone pings, signalling you have a message from a certain… _Mr. Boombastic?_

_Mr. Boombastic: I hurt all over, tell your girlfriend she’s paying for my medical bill; my swimmers will never be the same again :(_

You smile as you tap out a reply, realising that Wade had somehow managed to slip in his number into your contacts before calling Laura and had also seemingly memorised your own number.

_You: Dude, I seriously doubt that was the first time you’ve ever been kicked in the nuts + Laura may be trained in Krav Maga, but she's not my girlfriend._

_Mr. Boombastic: Oh? Does that mean the role is currently open? Sign me up Scotty!_

_You: I think the phrase goes “Beam me up Scotty” & last time I checked, you weren’t a girl lol. _

_Mr. Boombastic: I can be anything you want me to be darlin’ ;) ;)_

_You: Ok, how about we meet halfway and figure out another way to pay off that medical bill? Potential assault charges and student loans don't mix well._

_Mr. Boombastic: I like where this is going._

_You: Btw, what did you save me as on your phone?_

It takes him a few seconds to reply this time and you take a long drag of your smoothie as you wait for the _typing_ icon to finish, barely even grimacing, just to spit it out again.

_Mr. Boombastic: Future Mrs. Wilson_

Really though, what did you expect?

**Author's Note:**

> I actually prefer scarred Wade but I decided to write this before 'Deadpool' came into play. Basically pretty heavily based on the movie, hope his character isn't OOC.
> 
> Hope you like it, I'll probably add more notes if I remember.


End file.
